The white lover

Here she is in all her lethal beauty:

Twenty years ago she seduced me. For twenty fucking years I’ve adored her and defended her against any criticism, defended her against all her enemies. In the meantime, she’s been planning my destruction.

I’ve lost sleep because of her. I’ve neglected to eat because of her. I would have chosen a few puffs over sex any day. I could have sold all my belongings just for those few moments with her.

No more! I dumped her last night. The weak despicable figure that I am, this morning I needed her again and came crawling back. Just one last time..

Just one last time. Yeah right. The sign of an addict. I’m no fucking better than the heroin addict or the alcoholic. I’m a nicotine addict pure and simple.

For some strange reason the relapse I had this morning seems to have been positive. After I had finished the cigarette I felt disappointed. Disappointed, first because it didn’t make me feel as good as I had imagined, and second because I had failed. But I must move on. I must not take another puff!

My name is Lorenzo. I am a nicotine addict.

Relapse, so back to cold turkey 0h :-(

Shit. Not even 12 hours, and I’ve already had a relapse. This morning was unbearable. I held out for a few hours, then I gave in. Fuck!

Mornings are obviously going to be difficult for some time to come. Now I’m back to square one again. But I won’t give up. This time I’m not going to take another puff.

Quit timer: 0 hours 0 minutes

Cold turkey: 0h 20m

I’m feeling withdrawal symptoms already. I don’t believe it. I think it’s psychological, because I’ve declared that I won’t take another puff and I’m out of cigarettes. Well, I’ll just have to live with it, because I’m not stepping out to find smokes at this time. And, I won’t take another puff!

Cold turkey: 0h

It’s April 3, 2008 20:50. I’m just finishing off the last cigarette I have. I’m going cold turkey.

I’ve always tried to cut down gradually, and always failed. Thanks to this site, which was recommended to me in a comment to a previous article I wrote, I’ve come to believe that the only way to quit is to go cold turkey.

I’ve prepared with orange juice and some candy. I must not fail this time. I’ll be posting about my experiences as a go along. I expect (from previous attempts) the first five or so days to be the hardest part.

I need to quit smoking

Dear reader:

I need your help. I need to do two things: cut down on coffee and quit smoking. I think I can manage the first one, but I keep failing on the second.

I’ve been smoking for nearly twenty years now. During that time I’ve managed to quit a few times, but always fallen back after a while. There have been periods where I’ve smoked just a few per day. Now I’m at roughly a pack a day. I began smoking for one reason and one reason only: to piss my parents off. Not party smoking, no peer pressure, just to piss them off.

I find that the biggest problem for me is the situations that I “connect” with smoking. Like taking a cup of coffee. The two just combine so well. As do cigarettes and beer. Or while waiting for somebody. Or when I’m programming and get stuck. At all these times I “instinctively” reach for a cigarette.

The one time I managed to lay off the smokes for any extended period I did so after seeing some rather gory pictures of a smoker’s lungs. That worked wonderfully well for a while. But eventually the fear wore off and I was back to my old habit. I also tried meditating, which did have some positive effects. Right now my life is so full of distractions that I don’t know where or when I would be able to meditate.

So, I’m open for all kinds of tips, because nothing I’ve tried up to now seems to do the trick. Did you kick the habit? How? Did you stop all at once or cut down gradually. How did you cope when you felt like climbing the walls like Spiderman? How did you manage not to turn every single friend into an enemy?

By the way, please, please, please, do not take the opportunity to try to cram religion down my throat. That will make me smoke more, not less.