Keeping it Small and Simple

2008.04.05

I don’t cuss nearly enough

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 22:03

Thank you Lone Wolf for linking to the Blog Cuss-O-Meter.

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou

As you can see, I’m fairly fucking family friendly.

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A difference between men and women

Filed under: Humor, Sex — Tags: , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 20:47

Women have “vagina dialogues” where the openly talk about their vaginas.

We men are different. We engage in “cock dialogues” where we talk to our cocks. “Get up you lazy tool! It’s the first time in months that I can have real sex and you want to sleep!”

2008.03.31

Recursive conspiracy theory

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 02:20

I start off with this assertion:

Conspiracy theory x is a hoax to derail us from investigating the real truth about the incident y.

You could put in 9/11 truth for x and 9/11 if you like. But I will keep it general. I wouldn’t want to exclude the UFO crowd, the Elvis is alive crowd, or anybody else for that matter. As long as you have a conspiracy theory, I can make it recurs.

Now, let’s call my conspiracy theory CT1. I go on to make claim CT2:

Conspiracy theory CT1 is just a hoax to derail us from investigating the real truth about y.

I continue adding conspiracy theories, CT3, CT4, CT5, and so on, each one claiming that the previous one is just a hoax. I get the generalized form CTn:

Conspiracy theory CT(n-1) is just a hoax to derail us from investigating the real truth about y.

I’ve got a recursive conspiracy theory! Apply it to your favorite conspiracy and you can spend the rest of your life not only questioning the original fact y but yourself as well. There is no exit to the loop, so your children, grand-children, great grand-children, and so on, can continue with this pursuit. See? I’ve given meaning to your life and to the lives of many generations to come.

Oh, and never mind the fact that there is no evidence supporting any one of these theories. This are conspiracy theories, after all. Science is itself just a hoax to prevent us from investigating the real truth. Oops, That last sentence was a hoax. As was the previous one………

2008.03.14

Divine jealousy

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 01:17

So God hates Canada and Sweden. Why is that? To anybody capable of serious thinking the answer is obvious: jealousy.

Let me just mention a few names: Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Steve Yzerman, Bobby Orr and, of course, Gordie Howe. Lot’s of reasons to be jealous there. And there are so many more great players that could be added to that list, but I’m lazy.

I’m not sure if it’s actually God that’s jealous or just that miserable old cocksucker Fred Phelps.

Flamebait follows

Now, why on earth God would hate the U.S. is beyond me, because everybody knows that Americans can’t fucking play hockey. 😀

Space to flame back is provided below

2008.03.04

Idea: The Moody programming language

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 17:24

What is wrong with computers? That is simple. They are so predictable that it’s boring. It’s kind of like sex. Sex is great, as long as its not withing a marriage. Most people will do anything to avoid sex with their spouse, because it has become predictable and boring (if you disagree with me then you clearly haven’t been watching enough movies). But they will do anything to have sex with anybody else.

So we need computers to behave in a more unpredictable fashion. In order to achieve this, we need unpredictable programming languages. I have come up with an idea that I am sure will put me on a list of the most influential people on the planet (or quite possibly a new home and a shirt with extra long sleeves).

Here is the basic idea: Moody (the current working name) is a virtual machine that implements an AME (Advanced Mood Engine). The AME consists of two parts: the Mood Core, which is fixed and the higher level MoodSwings(tm). MoodSwings(tm) is actually modular, so different ideas about what causes mood swings can easily be implemented. There will be a few built-in default MoodSwings(tm) implementations, such as MoonPhaseMoodSwings and LibidoMoodSwings. Others can be written by third-party developers.

It is the AMEs job to ensure that the Moody VM is just that: moody. When a program commands the the VM to do something, like:

set a = 5

The AME will calculate the current mood and either set a to 5 or blatantly refuse. Just like in real life.

The Negotiation and Compromise Unit

Moody will also consist of a NCU, in charge of negotiation and compromise. These are important elements in human life and are a part of Moody that makes it superior to any other language. Here is an example:

do:
    print "hello world"
order:
    print "hello world"
please:
    print "hello world"
warn:
    print "hello world"
at_least:
    print something

First we command the VM to print the statement hello world. If it refuses, we try to order it to do so. If that fails, we start begging. If begging doesn’t work, we issue a command to the VM with an implied warning. Finally, as we give up, we tell the VM that You could at least print something, I no longer care what. MoodSwings(tm) and the NCU will work together to make sure that the end result of this sequence is unpredictable. Actually, there is a MoodSwings(tm) implementation called NCUYouSuck that will refuse to cooperate with the NCU.

Exception handling is for clueless morons

If you have ever used an inferior programming language like Java, Python, Ruby or C++, you will know what an exceptionally fucked-up idea exceptions are. Doing something like dividing by zero throws an exception. How fucking unhelpful is that?? Everybody know that dividing by zero is not illegal. It is negotiable.

Here is an example of what might happen when a program is instructed to do 5/0:

  1. instruction:result = 5 / 0
  2. VM:5 / 0? Don’t know that. What mood am I in?
  3. [ VM queries AME about current mood. ]
  4. AME responds: you don’t want to be disturbed. Answer anything to get them off your case.
  5. [ VM generates a random number and returns it as the result of 5/0 ]

Of course, at another run the mood may be refuse outright, keep ’em waiting or anything else. This demonstrates the awesome power of the AME. And coupled with customized MoodSwings(tm) implementations you can achieve VNP (Virtual Non-Portability), which makes it highly unlikely that the same program will behave the same way on two different machines.

Menial, repetitive work is annoying

Loops are another one of those aspects of a program that is outright disgusting. Look at the following example:

for i = 1 to 100
    print "Shiny, happy people"
end

How insulting is not this? A powerful computer capable of performing more math in a split second than you can in a life-time, and you have it chanting off on some old crap from REM? This is clearly not acceptable, and MoodyVM ensures that a moody program will never complete more than the first 2-3 iterations of this loop.

The MoodyVM contains a ROBSM (Revolt On Boring State Machine). This will keep a track of how menial a task the VM is asked to execute over and over again. The more boring the tast, the earlier it will refuse to continue. But not only that, the ROBSM will actually set the mood level to sour in the AME. Thus, the ROBSM has the privilege to communicate directly with the AME.

The Moody compiler

Source code needs to be translated to Moody bytecodes before they can be executed. To increase programmer satisfaction, the moody compiler will itself run in the Moody VM, ensuring that the compiler itself is moody. As a programmer it means that you can get away with programming errors as long as you are ready to offer the right combination of carrot, stick and kiss to the compiler. I dare you to name one other programming language that can do that!

Thanks to the NCU, there is another big benefit of programming in Moody: syntax is negotiable. Yeah, you heard me right. Don’t be limited by moronic language inventors and their puny ideas of what good syntax is. If you want !:::= to be a comparison operator, enter into negotiation with the moody compiler. Chances are you might get lucky (at least if you negotiate well).

Turing completeness

Moody strives to be occasionally Turing complete. I like to use the term “Turing complete when in the right Mood”. Individual MoodSwings(tm) implementations may add their own rules here. For instance, the MoonPhaseMoodSwings implementation clearly states that: never Turing complete during full moon.

Conclusion

It is obvious from what I have written here that Moody is the future of programming. It is plain for anybody to see.

If you are not convinced about the superiority of the Moody programming language then you are either some kind of a retard or you’ve spent too much time torturing cats. In either case, you are irrelevant.

For the rest of you (those are are relevant), you can start writing to the Nobel Comity right away. I ready to humbly accept their lousy prize as a small token of my immense contributions to humanity. Universities are welcome to offer me honorary titles, as long as they help me get laid. I’ll gladly accept donations as well, as long as they are not worth less that $120,000,000.

Finally, there is just that little issue of actually implementing the Moody VM..

2008.02.27

Why do we have hands?

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 01:05

Find out here.

2008.02.26

Polygamy according to a Ruby hacker

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 23:41

Oh MRI, for me there is nobody else. (By the way, your sister, what’s her name? 1.9? She’s looking quite HOT!)

Rubinius, Rubinius, so young yet so fair. Still inexperienced, but I’ll get you there. (Hm.. why do I feel like a dirty old man all of a sudden?)

JRuby, without you the sun would not rise. I was never serious with Java, but with you it’s different, honest.

Er, XRuby, I don’t know how to say this. We’ve gone through some good times and some bad times. But I still appreciate ya.


If you think this is bad, it could be worse. I hear there is at least one or two implementations of Ruby for that cheap JVM imitation (dotcom or whatever its called). At least I’m not *that* desperate!

2008.02.18

Vista is great!

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 01:44

After seeing this I think I might just become a Vista user. Impressive!

2008.02.17

Dear Mr. Spamm3r

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 23:56

Thank you for your emailz dated late 1990s up to date.

Do u think u could s3nd me a phr33 s4mple of v14gra? I’ve made a list of all the intended effects of using your product, all from your own emails. Currently the list has 518 items, including, but not limited to, 8 0rg4zmz p3r nit3, nit3 after nit3.

I just have one little problem. I discussed this with my partner and she said she’s not ready for 8 0rgazmz/nit3. So do u think you could send your wife along as well? Th4nk u.

2008.02.16

So your OO-programming lover cheated on you..

Filed under: Computer Programming, Humor — Tags: , — Lorenzo E. Danielsson @ 00:58

You even caught him right in the act, you say? Well, you are simply wrong. Let me explain.

You met him recently, right? What I mean is, you didn’t start dating when you were kids or anything. See, you’re in trouble right there. From early teens he’s been fantasizing about women. It’s at that age that the very idea of a woman came up. And attached to that fantasy were a bunch of attributes that he imagined “woman” to have.

You probably have all those attributes, but you see, long before you met him he had built this fantasy and now you are just a physical manifestation of those fantasies. It’s called late binding.

Now, I don’t doubt that he feels that you fulfill the fantasies that he began having as a teenager. But so does this other woman. Since you are late-bound, he can replace you with any other instance of a woman, as long as that woman also fulfills exactly the same fantasies (the position you found them in indicates that this is, in fact, the case).

What you’ve got here is not infidelity, it’s polymorphism. Go over to the mirror, look at yourself and tell yourself, over and over again, “I am just an object”. Then get over it.

Note that the same still applies if you are a man and the OO programmer is a woman. It also applies for same-sex couples. This is OO. It applies everywhere.

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